either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
