So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
