Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
