Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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