my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
