it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
