Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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