I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
