Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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