i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
