there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
