that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
