his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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