no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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