I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
