I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
