Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
