I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
