I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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