$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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