My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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