It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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