Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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