wrigley field is MILF paradise
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
did you just send me my own nude
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
