Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
