if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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