I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
