i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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