I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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