Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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