i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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