i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
