I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
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