Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
