I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
