there's paper in my vomit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize