I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
