hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize