Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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