She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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