You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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