tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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