Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
