Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
