After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
