waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
