just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
