Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm sobbing to NWA
Randomize
