I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
