Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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