Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
