Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
