Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
