Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize