u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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