If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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