Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
