Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
