My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
