Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
