i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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