I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
