barbara walters just said penis...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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