I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need water and some morals
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
