We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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